As many of you know, I prefer hockey over any other sport. Which means this time of year is boring as hell from a sports perspective for myself, and exciting as hell for my Netflix, HBO, and Showtime accounts. In the spirit of alpha competition however, my friends and I decided to do a fantasy league for this season of Game of Thrones. And, per usual, I could not go through a fantasy season without providing some quality content. So - here are my Power Rankings for Week One of Game of Thrones...
1. Arya Stark
This pick is self-explanatory. The Lone Wolf came out HOT before the opening credits, maxing out her death points for the week at 50. Along with some wits and her overall plan for the season, she comes out at the number 1 spot for Week 1.
2. The Hound
I feel like we shouldn’t be calling him The Hound any more, cause let’s be honest... Bryanne of Tarth killed The Hound, crossing him off Arya’s list. This newly born beast is the one and only Sandor Clegane. His redemption tale will be sure to keep him high on the season Power Rankings, and oh boy will Clegane Bowl be a boost on the Season Totals...
3. Tormund Giantsbane
Some would say he’s The Hound North of the Wall. Some would say he has no soul. I say, he’s gonna put it up Brianne of Tarths pooper. I have money riding on Brianne of Tarth being a consensual virgin (she may have been raped by that Tully army years back), and Tormund giving her the goods that only people North of the Wall refer to as “Tore-muh- unders with his Giants-bone”. This potential relationship could keep Tormund on the screen, inside of Brianne, and atop the Power Rankings week after week.
4. Alys Karstark
Week 1 Power Rankings suck mainly because the person in our league everyone wants to lose (Jeff) is winning, and because I have to go by the book in regards to stats. And yes, Alys Karstark (who?) is 4th in stats after ‘Dragonstone’. If she went to Hogwarts, she would be classed in Hufflepuff - an irrelevant character who may never see another second of screen time in this series.
5. Daenerys Targaryen
The Dragon Queen was on the screen for all of about 60 seconds. She stood on the tip of a boat Titanic style, she picked up some sand with her hand, and she looked at her new-found Dragon Throne. I don’t think she even had a line of dialogue! But, as we all know, the Mother of Dragons reigns supreme, and can only go up from the #5 spot. Look for Khaleesi to remain in the Top 5 for the remainder of this season.
6. Bran Stark
Does anyone else hate Bran as a cripple like me? I can’t help but think to myself anytime he needs help moving or being carried somewhere; “Like get up and walk you lazy bitch”. I blame the creators of this show for instilling my hate for a cripple. We can see him walk in his warg visions, only to come out of said visions with a 5’2”, 118-pound girl dragging his ass through 4 feet of snow. I have nothing else to say about Bran because no one really knows how his storyline is going to affect the outcome. He’s a boom or bust in the weekly Power Rankings.
7. Sansa Stark
Just like the Women of Westeros Rankings, Sansa can’t hit the top 3. She’s an average character. The only person who can help her reach the top 3 is that of one Petyr Baelish. But since Petyr would then find a scheme to get him into the top 3, I wouldn’t find Sansa’s chances to maintain Power in the Rankings to be very high. She’s an easy WR2 this season.
8. Euron Greyjoy
Want me to ruin something for you? Well – Euron is going to get a piece of fake wood, force a carpenter to build it into a horn, and go back to Cersei and call it a ‘Dragon Horn’; a tool that he can apparently control a Dragon with. I call bullshit on it actually working, cause he’s a scumbag who looks like he just stepped out of the only Hot Topic in the Seven Kingdoms. All he wants is Power, and he will die before the series is over.
9. Jon Snow
Jeff brought up a good point that Jon got all of his killing out last season. I probably should have considered that when drafting him.... OH, NO WAIT, HES JON FUCKING SNOW. No chance this guy remains in the bottom 5 for more than 4 episodes. Plus, we all know he’s going to bang Daenerys. He’s gonna make her scream so loud the Wall may fall and start the Great War, who knows. Either way, expect this major on-screen presence to climb back up the rankings shortly.
10. Lyanna Mormont
What a badass. You know how in all these recent ‘Gender Reveal’ videos taking the internet by storm, the Dad always has a split-second reaction of sadness or regret when he finds out his future kid is gonna be a girl? Well, I think we should ultimately credit Game of Thrones with making girl babies great again. Why? Cause of goddamn Lyanna Mormont. If she was my kid, I could die before she made it to the 6th grade and be proud of her and her backtalk and honor. The question is, however, if her dialogue and loyalty will be able to keep her in the top 10 with characters such as Cersei and Jamie Lannister, Brienne of Tarth, and many others lurking close behind. Only time will tell for the little lady.