Ladies and gentleman. Boys and girls of all ages. Welcome to yet another edition of the greatest thing slice bread, the most American thing since apple pie, the one, the only, GREAT AMERICAN CAMPFIRE!
No folks, you’re not seeing things, Survivor is BACK BABY and better than ever. The longest running reality TV show has returned YET AGAIN for it’s 37th season and I couldn’t be happier. Here at The Stoop we thriiiive off events live this. A straight dose of competitive adrenaline STRAIGHT TO THE VEINS that’ll keep you up well into the night dwelling on the drama. Survivor is an American’s best friend and is one of the few pillars we still have today that can unite a community. This season, Jeff Probst brings us DAVID VS GOLIATH a showcase of brains vs brawn, athletes vs nerds, physical vs mental that will be sure to bring us one of the best social games to date and I, your Survivor chaperon, alongside my trusted confidant, Joe Walker, will be here every step of the way to delve through it with you. And as we approach such a joyous occasion, what better way to prepare for such a spectacle than …(drum roll please)… Matt’s - “Don’t Really Know You, But I Definitely Know You, Survivor, Pre-Judgement Predictions” where I, your Survivor chaperon, Matt McNally, use my mystical powers to determine who the Have’s & Have Not’s will be on this years season of Survivor. So gather around, grab your favorite campfire treat, and let’s divulge in what’s to come in this season of: Survivor – David vs Goliath!
First off, the Have Not’s. Right off the bat I know we can cut the fat and get rid of these schmucks. These buffoons have no place on this island and will be easy targets for the chopping block in the first couple of weeks.
Christian Hubicki – C'mon man….this guy looks like the guy who should be fixing my phone at the Apple Store…not helping me win a tug of war contest in the blazing heat with nothing in my stomach but a couple of stale cocoa beans… A Robotics Scientist from Florida? You don’t fuckin’ say… Sayonara Chris.
Angelina Keeley - Oh Ang...I didn't wanna do it to ya... You seemed so sweet. So nice. But Survivor is neither of those things and your Girl Scout personality isn't going cut it out here...I need snakes, demons, ruthless villains. You just look like someone who's going to get pushed around like a shopping cart. Now come here. Give me a hug. Everything's going to be alright (gives pat on back). NOW GET OFF MY ISLAND!!
Mike White - OH MY GOD ITS NED SCHNEEDBLY!!! HAHA. Does this look like the face of a Survivor champion??
I bet my student loans this guy doesn't make it to the end. But my lord CBS, what an incredible cameo, hats off to you. On the real though, go play in the sand somewhere Mike. Your plane will be here shortly.
Now that we've sorted through the mess, here are my thoroughbreds. The Have's of the bunch. These castaways show the grit and tenacity to go all the way. But will luck favor them? Time will only tell. I can guarantee one thing however, there's no Schneebly's on this list...
Alec Merlino - This horse's pedigree lines up exactly with past champions- sociable, charming, witty. Everything I'm sure he learned throughout his time as a bartender. Ya see people...this games about relationships. It's about cultivating connections with other people over a short period of time all while selling yourself as a friend. Who else does that better than a bartender?? I expect big things out of Merlino.
Carl Boudreaux - Right off the bat I knew I loved Carl. He just puts off that vibe through the screen that he's got everything figured out. As a man who knows a long night or two from his time on the roads as a truck driver I expect a lot of late night forging on the island for idols. Don't turn your back on Carl...something tells me he's got a trick or two up those sleeves.
Jessica Peet - Watch out for this one. Behind that look of innocence is a mastermind of the social game. What Jess lacks in physical presence she makes up for in brains. This 19 year old, Survivor lifer (Jess was literally 1
years old when this show first aired) knows all the schemes, tricks, and strategies to make it to the end. I expect this millennial to use her advanced social powers to run the tables.
These folks, are the 6 players who jumped out at me. I don't even need to shake their hands to know what they're capable of...it's ingrained in me after so much time here on the island. I can just see things...
So come join us on this journey. Every Wednesday at 8pm EST on CBS and listen to our podcast - The Great American Campfire for all our juicy analysis post show.
"SURVIVORS READY?!"