April 24, 2019 #BPS – Season Record: 4/10 – 40%
Welcome to the Business Person Special! Where cube monkeys come to play hooky, and degenerates come to win rent. If there’s an MLB game on Wednesday afternoon, I gotchya covered. So come on! Grab a snack, maybe even a cold one, and join me as I aim to predict each and every MLB game this season played on our favorite day – Wednesday Afternoons!
J. Junis (1-2; 6.26) v B. Snell (2-1; 2.16)
“Hey hun!...can you do me a favor and grab the broom from the hall closet?”
“Oh how sweet! You’re gunna help me tidy up the house?”
“Tidy the house? Hell no – I gotta get these pesky Royals off our porch, because we have ourselves a SWEEP!”
Silly wives. What man wants to spend a beautiful day like today spring cleaning? Maybe with some of these #BPS winnings you save yourself the hassle of that stupid question and surprise your lass with a cleaning service for Mother’s Day. Not such a bad idea huh? And guess what? I have the perfect game for you. This afternoon the Kansas City Royals will walk into Tropicana Field to finish out a 3 games series with the Rays...and get absolutely stomped. Bet your bottom dollar. The Tampa Bay Rays are the hottest team in baseball boasting the best record and best ERA by team (2.82) in the major leagues. Their offense is in the top 60th percentile in all major hitting categories (Runs, Hits, Home Runs, RBI, Batting Average) and if that’s not enough to sway ya, reigning AL Cy Young Award winner, Blake Snell is toeing the rubber this afternoon. I’m not even going to watch this game – it’s a forgone conclusion. I “lit-cher-ly” guarantee it. Safely put your money on the Rays today.
Pick: Tampa Bay Rays
S. Alcantara (1-2; 5.09) v J. Rodriguez (0-1; 3.18)
The Marlins are garbage. There’s no other way to put it. Lowest win total in the league, 4th worst batting average, 4th worst in runs scored. They’re not even watchable let alone “betable”, so unless you’re an absolute ding-dong, your hard earned cash is on the Indians today.
“bUt maTT, tHe MARlinS bEaT clEAVlAnD laST nIGHt”
Yea Gary, that’s because Cleveland pitcher, Carlos Carrasco, got mauled by bird brain Neil Walker in the 4th throwing Cleveland into an utter tailspin. They were traumatized. You’d lose control too if someone came in and messed with your Marvel action figure collection. Don’t argue with me.
We bet consistency here at the Stoop, not freak occurrences. Miami is a league worst 2-5 away from home. Cleveland wins it today – 5-3.
Pick: Cleveland Indians
J. Chacin (2-2; 5.92) v A. Wainwright (1-2; 4.74)
Someone in the Cardinals organization must have got wind of my proclamation in last week’s #BPS when I named Christian Yelich “Daddy” of St. Louis, because since then, the Cardinals have rattled off 3 straight against the Brew Crew. St. Louis has outscored Milwaukee 23-11 in those 3 games holding the Cardinal Killer, Christina Yelich, to a miserable 1-9 at the plate. Does that worry me? No not at all. I have balls of steal and a brain of gold, and no Haka dance can derail or intimidate this number cruncher. I’m not blinded by smoke and mirrors, but that shouldn’t be a surprise to any of you loyal BPS’ers – that’s why you come here (maybe not Gary, but screw Gary).
Today’s magic number: .181. That’s the mean batting average of Cardinal hitters (outside of Fowler & Ozuna) against today’s Milwaukee starter, Jhoulys Chacin. On the opposite side? Brewer batters are averaging an electric .298 against Cardinal pitcher Adam Wainwright…. You remember when you were littler? And you went to the park and rode the seesaw? And then halfway through the town lard hopped on and sent you shooting through the sky? I can’t think of a better analogy here…. The Cardinals are Mr. Lard-Tard dropping into the woodchips and you are the Brewers skyrocketing to new heights. This isn’t a revenge game or a chance for Mr. Matt to get back at the red birds. This is science. And science says – Milwaukee ML = mulla stacks to the moon.
Pick: Milwaukee Brewers
A. Sanchez (0-2; 4.91) v G. Marquez (2-1; 2.25)
Ooooo this ones JUICY! I love when Lady #BPS tries to trip me up. She thinks she’s so slick throwing me a curveball (no pun intended) attempting to make me look foolish –Ah, Ah, Ahhhh! Not at the Stoop little lady! Not in my house.
At the heart of today’s #BPS slate we have an incredible afternoon matchup between two teams that perform fairly well on both sides of the ball. The tug of war between both squads to try to prove dominance is too close to call with such valuable coin on the line and therefore the common man looks to the expert for a helpful tip. I’ve said in the past, the #BPS likes to hide golden eggs throughout her lovely slate that are hidden to the common eye. Luckily for you I don’t have a common eye. I have a money eye, and this eye has found this week’s precious gem. Ladies and gents, we hold no alliance today. No. Today, we stand tall, whip out our thick sacks, look Lady #BPS in the face and say BRING IT! For today we play the UNDER. Neither Anibal or German have ever given up more than 5 runs yet this season with 4.91 & 2.25 ERA’s respectively. So why in the world would they start today? They won’t. Lady #BPS has set the run line at 10.5 for today’s game. We laugh at that. These teams won’t generate such run totals against these pitchers! This matchup screams 4-2, and because of that, we cash in. No team to pick here. Drill the UNDER and buy yourself something nice with the winnings. You’ve earned it. You’ve caught Lady #BPS with her pants down.
Pick: UNDER 10.5
D. Smyly (0-2; 7.80) v A. Brooks (2-2; 5.32)
Rangers, Athletics, Rangers, Athletics – back and forth, side to side. ¡Ay, caramba! You’ll lose your wits trying to keep up with winners in this matchup! This is another game that could pull either way. Neither pitcher has been overly dominant in their previous starts and neither offense holds the advantage over the other so we’re back to the laboratory…. (pour a little of this; pour a little of that; let it bake for 30 mins; and WALA! – We have an answer!). After running a few experiments and cross checking the data we have come to a conclusion (and it may be simpler than you thought). The Texas Rangers are tied for a league worst 2 wins away from home! The Athletics? Tied for the league lead (9) in wins at home. And would ya look at that? The Athletics are home, the Rangers are away….aint betting easy? Don’t over think this. The proof is in the pudding. Go Oakland.
Pick: Oakland Athletics
F. Hernandez (1-1; 4.91) v C. Paddack (0-1; 2.25)
Once upon a time King Felix ruled the North. His menacing slider, curveball, sinker combo was the most lethal in the biz and to count on him for a win was almost automatic. Those days are now over as father time as caught up to the wily vet, and in this day in age, the Mariners must rely more heavily on hitting. And hitting they have. Seattle is numbero uno in 3 of the major five batting categories in the major leagues (Hits, Home Runs, & RBI) this season which proves as a recipe for disaster for opposing pitchers. The young Chris Paddack has been impressive early on in the season for the Padres but he has yet to face an arsenal like this. The Mariners prove to be too overwhelming for the rookie in a game that may be closer than some imagine.
Pick: Seattle Mariners
FULL SLATE PARLAY – 100 TO WIN 3,453