Season 6. A touchdown. Mr. 60%. Could the stars be aligning any better than they are for this year's Digest?
We are back and you couldn’t need me more. You went and blew all our National Championship money at some gas station slot machine like the degenerate you are. You are desperate for cash. With ever increasing inflation, and bills piling up, you have nowhere else to turn. Luckily, I practice the teachings of Jesus Christ - welcoming all those suffering and impoverished with open arms. Thank God for me. I’ll take it from here.
Week 0 is a time for us to get our feet wet, dip our toes in, check the temp. Get your routine in order. Meal prep, make sure all the snacks are ready to grab at ease. Beer prep, maybe start off with something strong - a high ABV DIPA or sour, but around 3pm switch over to the Crisp Cold People’s Gold (Millar Litè). Channel prep, study the schedule - know what stations to have on when. Freshen up the remote batteries, and get that thumb ready for timely commercial switches. Really take note of how you’re going to excel in the Saturday’s to come. Or, you could just go balls to the wall and find yourself at a bachelor party to start the season off like myself. I heard a rumor that Hawaii/Vanderbilt isn’t going to be televised, but I’ll be damned if I’m not convincing one of the fine women at Delilah’s to check for it right at 10:30.
Not a crazy slate, per usual for Week 0, but a slate none the less - let’s fucking get it.
Austin Peay @ Western Kentucky: Western Kentucky -27.5
Yeah, that’s a big boy number for our first pick of the year. But I’m a big boy, and I make the picks. Austin Peay is a classic Week 0 team. A classically bad Week 0 team. They’ve burned us so many times in the past, I more so just have to make this pick a tradition. And so it was written - we always bet against Austin Pee Pee to start the season.
Final Score: Western Kentucky 54, Austin Pee Pee 17
Nebraska @ Northwestern: UNDER 51.5
THICK SACK ALERT! Why not give it a go? Big Ten football in Dubin, Ireland. If these teams turn their usual punts into touchdowns, the Big Ten might seriously need to consider playing all their games across the pond. Side note: why the fuck is this game being played in Ireland?
Final Score: Nebraska 28, Northwestern 21
North Texas @ UTEP: UTEP OUTRIGHT
This pick is solely based on a Week 0 classic - who brought more players back. The UTEP O line and defense are damn near the same, including a fantastic linebacking core, and one of the best pass rushers out there in Praise Amaewhule. Whereas North Texas has a good amount of new faces in the locker room. When you have nothing else to go off, you can at least go off chemistry and experience.
Final Score: UTEP 24, North Texas 23
Nevada @ New Mexico State: Nevada -8.5
Nevada had some sneaky success last season. Ups and downs no doubt, but some really strong victories against Cal, Boise State, and yes - New Mexico State. They laid the smackdown on the Aggies last season, taking their secondary to the woodshed by putting up 55 points. This season is all about the run game for the Wolf Pack. Expect a nice slow and steady grind in this year's matchup, but one that will still end in our favor.
Final Score: Nevada 32, New Mexico State 21
Vanderbilt @ Hawaii: Hawaii +9
We bet on Hawaii 3 times a year. Thanksgiving weekend, the ‘nothing burger’ week where we’re desperately chasing a win at midnight, and Week 0. Sure they're going through a complete turnover in the program, and their defense was the worst in the Mountain West last season. But Vanderbilt is the laughing stock of the SEC and it’s Week 0 so - gotta do what you gotta do.
Final Score: Vanderbilt 32, Hawaii 24
Running Record: (145-115-4)
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