You’re damned if you do, you’re damned if you don’t. That’s what the Digest has been for many of late. I have to do better. I have to be better. And I will. That’s just the kind of guy I am. When I face adversity, I rise above. When a fork in the road presents itself, I turn it into a spoon. I prepared extra early this week knowing that Big Ten and Mountain West football were returning to our television screens. I was looking at lines the second Alabama/Georgia (credit to me) ended. Research. That’s the difference between me and your local iHop bookie, Paulie Pancakes. You think that shmuck prepares a week in advance when he’s in a rut? Hell no. I have to do better. I have to be better. And I will.
Oh, and side note? Don’t even think about fading me on the 50th anniversary of the Digest. Congrats to me for 50 volumes of (mostly) weekly winners. Let's celebrate with the best movie intro ever.
Oklahoma @ TCU: Over 59.5
I refuse to believe Big 12 football plays defense. I don’t care about the stats this season, and I will probably never care about defensive stats for this conference ever. It’s just implanted into my brain, it’s just what I believe in. The Big 12 does not play defense. It’s always a shootout.
Final Score: TCU 35, Oklahoma 34
(2) Alabama @ Tennessee: Alabama -19.5
As of the time of this column, you can’t get this line the way it’s written above. I took this line with my Sunday morning bowl movement last weekend. Currently, it’s sitting at -21.5. And guess what? You’re still taking it. Alabama is back back. Like, back back. They will be in the national title game this season against Clemson. Mac Jones is a certified stud. Jaylen Waddle is a certified stud. And the defense is starting to get it together. Tennessee on the other hand, is falling apart. They are fully grounded from their semi-decent start, but to further that point, they are six feet under. They are dead after last week’s performance. Dead. I don’t need to talk about how I was all over them last week and was forced to eat the world’s hottest chip to wake me up from that nightmare. I don’t need to talk about that. Roll tide.
Final Score: Alabama 54, Tennessee 21
Before I get into the next game, I need to get something off my chest. I was planning of using a classic quote from the Hollywood hit 'Dodgeball' to describe Tennessee's play last week. "Son, you're about as useless as a poopy flavored lollipop" - Patches O'houlihan. Well here's the thing. Upon searching for a clip to embed into this section, I found myself in an alternate universe. Apparently, all 'videos' of this clip have a different line; 'cock flavored lollipop'. There's conversations, memes, and gifs that show 'poopy'. But no video proof. Only cock. I just had to put that out there, because it is WILD.
(8) Penn State @ Indiana: Penn State -6.0
I know these teams haven’t played a game yet. So what? You’re seriously thinking about betting against the 8 SEED Nittany Lions, WHO HAVEN’T PLAYED A GAME, being favored by LESS THAN A TOUCHDOWN!? No, you’re not thinking that. You’re better than that. Let Penn State put some money in your account to use on further Big Ten games to come – they’re just getting started.
Final Score: Penn State 31, Indiana 24
Utah State @ Boise State: Boise State -17
Utah State loses Jordan Love and Gerold Bright. And the blue field is back. That’s all you need to know. Don’t bet against the blue field in its first game back.
Final Score: Boise State 37, Utah State 17
(9) Cincinnati @ (16) SMU: Over 57
Cincinnati coming off a long rest after a postponed matchup against Tulsa. Offense averaging just over 35 points per game. The Mustangs are ROLLING, averaging almost 43 points per game. Do you think after a break the Bearcats are going to be able to stop that offense? Nope. They won’t. Their only strategy will be to keep up with the scoreboard.
Final Score: SMU 42, Cincinnati 28
Running Record: (63-45-2)
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